mymarygold

saying if i dont slow down i will get sick
well i am sick and i couldnt slow down
i had to go to chicago for my class
gosh darn
ummmm i am better now though
medicineeeeeeeeee is helpinggggggggg
um so i am cleaning up my room
now i have to walk to the curb to throw away my trash
so ick ick going outside
ohhh well
um i think i am going to do homework tonight tooo
kay peace bye

and i didnt want to come back
but this bladder infection really needs to go away
i do not like this what so ever
it is very miserable kind of like tonight
today was good
till the car ride home
and then half way through it hit bad
and now i have been miserable tonight
i got hit on by high school boys
they may have been joking
either way they were super immature
and then walking back from getting cranberry juice
these two teenage girls were walking
and one said to the other
"would you be my friend if i looked like her?"
and i know she whispered it
but i still heard it'
and they were kind of really ugly
and now i have to pee all the time
because all the damn cranberry juice
and i will probably go home so i can go to the doctor tomorrow
maybe i can find one in alma
i dont know
i dislike all of this
i guess i am glad it is the weekend

that all when me and chris were growing up
all the boys always went after me
and i always had boyfriends
and the boys that went after me knew that
and i hate that it upset her that she didnt get the boys
because now that i am out of high school
she is getting more boys then she could ever want
and she has the one that she wants right now
and all growing up i told her the boys are stupid
and when they get older the grow some balls
and now she is realizes that it is true
i just wish she didnt have to deal with that for a few years
the few years that we were in high school together
i feel bad about that
and it wasnt like all the boys liked me
it is just lots of boys did
and lots of them were younger
well that is a lie
they were younger, same age, and older
but she had to deal with seeing that
and seeing the boys that liked me
and seeing the boys her age hadnt grown balls yet
but at least she is happy now
i am the one that doesnt have any boys
well i could have boys if i was easy to sleep with
but im not easy or a whore
which makes things harder these days
because boys are thinking with their things and not their hearts
it just kind of sucks how this meat market all works out
well at least chris doesnt have to deal with that anymore

and i am going to bed earlyish now
which is nice
i just dont feel like doing anything
and my eyes kind of sting
which is happening a lot lately
and it has never been an issue before
but they sting at night lately
i dont understanddddd
well chicago in two days
well as of a minute ago
it is one day
woo


kay. peace out world.

but i have no reason why

it is just so odd
and i dont want to type my paper
but i must
ick

my head is way toooo in the clouds
like i cant focus to do homework
i cant focus to talk to people
i cant focus on any one thing for too long
it is kind of getting old
but tomorrow in cinco de mayo
soooooo i will be able to let lose
not like i was able to do over this past weekend
gosh darn i hate the way my nerves work
i want to just relax
maybe chicago will be good for me


and dammit about something else
but i cant bring myself to talk about it
im not sure why

and there is something that makes me upset
but it shouldnt because it doesnt make sense
gosh i cant vocalize my issues

i really thought this stupid feud would be over by now
so for a long time now ally and jess have fought over me
they are two years younger then me
and have wanted to be my friend since they first saw me their freshman year
i did not know this of course till my senior year
when i was at jess's birthday party
which then they tell me that they thought i was intimidating
and they really wanted to be my friend
well later that year they got in a big fight blah blah blah
and since then they have been battling for me
and i am kind of friends with both of them
but they keep battling for my attention
and they have begun it again
gah
and the worse part if ally thinks she is in love with me
at least for sure when she is drunk she thinks she is
and they are both nice enough girls
i just hate being fought over
that was why i was glad to leave them after high school
well it has started and i am not even there
and i am sure they both are going to want to hang out with me a lot this summer
gahhhhh this is no fun
okay paper writing time

and wonderful all wrapped up
but i guess i am glad it happened
because i had many good times
and i am making really good friends
with people that i may not have been friends with before
i am so ready to get out of here and go to chicago
i feel like i need to go on a trip some where
and this is the perfect time
:)
so the weather is wonderful right now
and is making me feel better i think
and i am helping a few people out
so it is all going to be good
my eye lids are a little heavy though
and i kind of know why
even though i got a lot of sleep
i guess it just happens sometime
i love having this time to myself
it makes me able to meditate and handle myself
oh goodness life is unfamiliar these days
but not in an uncomfortable way
it is just different
but that is okay
i just kind of want to sleep
but i have no time for that
blahhh
:)

skindrid
which makes my good mood even better
so annie and i kicked butt at pong tonight
sooooo we rachel and fuzzy got their last cup
and we had two left and i made both of them
so we all got three more cups and didnt lose
and then we came back and won that game
it was a very nice night
first rachel and i went to see where everyone is
so we went to KI and no one was there
so we went to mccurdy and hung out there
and then we went on a booze run
and then went to back to mccurdy
and they were boring
so we went to theta
and there were barely any of the guys there
so we chilled for a bit
but then we went back to Ki
and we watched the end of some movie
and began to have strawberry daiquiri stuff
which is super yummy
and then we played some pong
and then i am sleepy so i came back

so it was a lovely evening
but it makes me sad rachel is going to london
so i wont get to hang with her till the fall
she will be here this tuesday for cinco de mayo
but then not till the fall
oh goodness

but another thing is
i was talking to jessie tonight
and the beast of an ex boyfriend is going to be at alma this weekend
so we are taking her off with her
and she has decided she is getting trashed with carrie and i
which makes me really happy
because jessie doesnt really drink
so it is going to be an awesome weeeekend
i cant wait
and all i have is class tomorrow

woooo
well i have a little thing to read before bed
peace out

oh life is sweellll
i just have to drag my lazy butt out of my room
and see people
because tooo much time on my own makes me miserable
well it didnt help the movie i watched
it made me aware of all of insecurities
okayyy byeeeee
peace

that would be me
haha oh goodness today was wonderful
but i am exhausted and dont want to do this paper
gah gr rawr okay peace

the decisions that you made
that we ended up this way
maybe things should be different
i am scared to death that one of you that i finally let go
was the one true love of mine
and i just didnt fight enough for one of you
this thought makes me miserable sometimes
kind of like now
what if one of you was my soul mate
i really dont want any of you to be
but what if you were
and i will then never find this person
and in the end wind up unhappy

i am really wondering if what my mother once said will be true
she said that i will either getting married many times or be a cat lady

i really hope that isnt the case
but as more days go by it seems more reasonable
and it kind of hurts me that she said that
she thinks that i cant stick with one person
or that i will push them all away

i am scared to death to be alone

i just wonder if the past boys ever think
that maybe i was the one and they regret what they did
i wonder if they regret cheating on me
i wonder if they regret being abusive
i wonder if they regret ignoring me
i wonder if they regret breaking my heart

dammit i hate my relationships i have had
i have had every extreme of failing relationships and i am only 19
that is so tragic in my eyes
and i know i am feeling sorry for myself
but i hate that it exists this way
and i am starting to think that i am crazy
i dont think normal people think as much as me
i dont think normal people analyze everything as me
i dont think normal people live like me
i just am all messed
and i dont want it to be the summer
because that is just more time to remember the past
at least at alma of the weekends
i can drink and not feel the pain for a few nights
i am going to go crazy this summer

i hate my life the most i have ever
and i also love my life the most i have ever
that just doesnt seem to work right

damn i wish i had something to uplift my heart
and uplift my mind
at least i have friends i guess
i sometimes wonder if it is all a trick on me
and i really dont have any friends
see i swear i am crazy

gah i wish i didnt have this fear
it is hard to deal with
i just want to have some security in my happiness

i thought i would never have to search again

that something really good is coming my way
i have no idea why i sense this
it is very strange
but ya

so i watched amilie
and i am simply in love
it is the way movies should be
oh well i am sleepy
and have class and nine :(

"raise your fingers for one last hallelujah
i leave this skyline dry
your history is mine."
:)

it is pleasant
um i am having a self portrait thing tonight
i am kind of super excited for that

and keep to myself
and do my homework
and to read
and to take pictures
so that is what i am going to do
i am so blissful it is crazy
i have this surreal feeling

and i was looking at jordans flickr
and i was looking at all the pictures
and all of the pictures of her heartbreak
and it made me so sad for her
and to see what she had to deal with
and it makes me feel a little better
and to show that i wasnt alone with that
when we both went away to school
we lost the person we loved
and that person was younger
they thought they didnt love use anymore
and in the end i dont think they really did
but it is just strange that once best friends
were in the same place in life
even though i moved from kansas years ago
we wind up in the same spot in life
we are both art majors
we both dealt with heartbreak when we left for school
and now we both recovered and are doing good
from the looks of it it was harder for her to recover
but i think she is good now
i hope she is at least

well i am going to go
i love this surreal day
everything is just so real

and i have one huge bed in my room now
so jess isnt here for spring term so i pushed the two bed together
and now it is a giant bed
and it is very very nice
and i cleaned so everything looks nice
and yaaaaaaaaaaaa

and i feel kind of special right now
well yesterday i got back to alma
and i went to carrie's house instead of unpacking
and me suset derek and suset chilled like alllll night till like 3
but we came to the conversation of my birfday
and how i was so gonnnnnne and was at theta
and how anthony wentworth kept saying how beautiful i was
and after suset told the story derek and carrie were like
"well you are beautiful"
it was just silly
but it made me smile
and then lightening struck
and we were able to get back into newberry
so we had to wait in the creeeepy dark for security to let us in
hheehe it was silly
then we watched to rocky horror picture show
and we were quite slap happy
it was a nice night
with no partying
but that will be taken care of tonight :D
oh i love my life

and i cant wait for may 23
but it is a dang month awayyy
oh bled fest
but im pumped
i get to see lovely people
and i am seeing lovely people with lovely people

gosh darn i dont feel like sleeping
but i am so sleepy

that i knew my feelings and could get them out
but i really have no idea what i am feeling
grr

the other day
and i was thinking about it again earlier today
but i so do not like those days compared to my life now
my high school life seems so lame compared to me now
it is just weird how what i did then doesnt seem like much now
not that i am complaining
i just dont miss it at all
too much teacher crap i had to deal with
and too much parent crap to deal with
and just having to go to northville at all
and the people that hated me for dating the boys i did
after dating paul, spencer, and todd i made a huge cult
a cult against me for that
its not like anyone was like
"i like this person so dont date them"
and it i funny that years later they still hate me
haha high school was also filled with people that were quite the opposite
which got really annoying too
i guess basically i am getting at
that i am so glad i am not there anymore

i think i am going to bed now
i am soooo tired
which is weird because of how much i slept last night
and it is earlier then i am use to going to sleep
gosh darn today was an unproductive day
i really didnt do much of anything
well tomorrow will be the opposite

to ludo
it is pretty music
and it isnt all funny music
and i got the painting down in my project
now it is doodling time and i think
that i may begin that process right now
la la laaaaaaaaaaa

um i miss all my friends at school
they just need to stop texting me
because it reminds me of them
and then i miss them
but i will be back on saturday
and we willllllllll be reunited
haha

i have to continue this romance i am having
or it may die over the summer
haha that is a joke
it wont die
but i am gonna miss him
and he is like 6 hours away over the summer
oh gosh this is going to be hard
but i can deal
woo
hehe
artsy time!

my painting is looking awesome!!!!!